lostinmyownhome's Blog

Some days my job just SUCKS!!!  Today was one of those days.  Going in 3 1/2 hours early tomorrow, to try to get caught up before the weekend.  I must finish my rectifier reads tomorrow, or it will be a violation of federal law.  Been trying to get them finished for several days now, but the dispatchers just never stop sending me other work.  I talked to my scheduler and my supervisor, both agreed that I should come in early tomorrow to hopefully get everything done.  I am glad for the overtime, and glad for the chance to get my work done.       My wife(?) told me that she decided against moving out, for now anyway.  I am very happy about her decision.  Even though she does not love me anymore, she is still a huge bright spot in my life.  I enjoy talking with her, and hanging out with her.  When she calls me at work to let me know that my parts have been delivered, it brightens my day just to hear her voice.      I got to see her in her bra the other day, and ever since, I have been obsessing over wanting to see her naked.  She really is beautiful.  I love her body, from her muscular legs, to her soft curving belly, her nice shoulders, her beautiful hair...   and her nose is the cutest I have ever seen.    Anyway, I don't know if I will ever get to see her naked again, let alone touch her.  Just have to let her sort her life out some more, see what happens.  In a couple weeks it will be six whole months since I last had sex.  Sometimes I feel like I am about to explode.  But I can always find something to do, to get it off my mind.      Thanksgiving is almost here, I have the day off this year.  I will be cooking the turkey, the stuffing, and a ham, my wife(?) will make the potatos, pies, and deviled eggs.  My in-laws will not be joining us this year, but my daughter's boyfriend may be eating with us.  It will be a good day, filled with family, food, and football.

Just got home from work, worked 15 hours today.  The house is still, everyone must be asleep.  The girls are back from Chicago, my oldest daughter called me a few hours ago, to let me know they made it home safe.  I hope I get to see them in the morning, before I go to work.  I was called in to work 3 hours early today, it may happen again tomorrow.   I haven't eaten since sunday, but I think I will just finish this cigarette and go to bed.

Another exciting saturday night here at my house.   I fed the kids and washed the dishes, now sitting in the basement, bored out of my skull.  The kids are all up in their rooms, the wife(?) is out at the bar.  My daughters leave in the morning for Chicago, going to see a concert and spend a couple nights there.  I will take them to the train station in the morning, wife(?) says she will probably not be up early enough to see them off.  I hope they have a good time, but I always worry about them when they leave town.  But they are grown adults now, they do need to be on their own once in a while.  I guess I still think of them as my baby girls.   Always will.         I go on-call tomorrow, for 4 nights.  Hope to get a lot of overtime, but if I do, I'm sure to be bitching about working too much.  haha.  Just can't satisfy me.  Sure do wish there was a way to make some decent money on a 40 hour week.  I don't mind the furnace calls or gas leak calls, but all the washing machines and refrigerators are driving me nuts.  Still struggling on some of the fridges.  It's hard to figure some of that stuff out with no training.       I think my wife(?) is really considering moving in with a friend.  She keeps talking about it, and last night she asked me several times what I thought.  I told her the same thing every time, that she should do whatever she wants to do.  I will not tell her to move out, because whatever happens, I do not want it to be because of me.   It could turn out badly for her, she could lose a good friend.  She does have a hard time getting along with people in the long run.  I don't want to deal with the guilt if that were to happen.  Or it could turn out good for her, she could have a blast, living like a teenager again.  If that happens, good for her, but it will not be because I told her to do it.   I know I am a chump, but not a big enough chump to say " I know you have used me for the last 24 years, but go have fun now ".   She will have to make her own decision about this.    No matter what she decides, I will still be the one sitting her alone, emotionally wounded, and buried in debt.

Feeling very frustrated and powerless.  Trying to remain upbeat and optimistic, but it is becoming increasingly difficult.  I need to be able to start getting on with my life, but I feel I can not do anything while my wife(?) is still living in my home.  I can not become interested in a new woman yet, it would not be right.  I can not adjust to being single, because I am not single yet.   Of course she does not have any problem living as though she is single.  She has been talking a lot with her old high school boyfriend.  He is not employed, so she says he has plenty of time to work out every day.  She was bragging about his muscles last night.  Now she says she will be meeting him every day, he will help her lose weight.  For years, I had told her to either start burning calories, or learn to love herself the way she is.  She said I was trying to tell her what to do, she just wanted to buy every diet pill on the market, so she could lose weight while sitting at her computer.  I thought I was trying to be supportive.  Now she says she will do exactly what her ex tells her to do, because he knows what he is talking about.  Truthfully, I always thought there was something wrong with people who lift weights every day.  If that's the most important thing for them to do, either something is lacking somewhere in their life, or they have a vanity problem.  Just my opinion.    And she is still texting Mr. Wonderful all the time.  And he is soooo sweet because he will take the time to text her with some mushy baby talk.  Over the years I did plenty of things that I thought were sweet.  One year I spent forty dollars at the craft store to hand make a Valentines day card for her.  I paid a local singing group to come to our home and sing romantic songs to her.  I had flowers, balloons, stuffed animals delivered to her while I was at work.  In the summertime I hand cut flower boquets from our yard.  And I thought it was sweet of me to support her all these years because she did not want to work.  But no, he is the sweet one because he will take five whole seconds to text sappy stuff to another man's wife.   I really need a life of my own.  But I will not lead a woman on, make her think I am available, when I am not.  I can do nothing but wait.  I know I am doing this to myself, I am allowing myself to be tortured.  But there is no alternative right now.   

Just another boring saturday night, watched tv for a while.  The kids were all busy.  My soon-to-be-ex went out with friends for dinner and drinks.  I noticed something about her.  For years, she would always wear old dingy sports bras, that gave no support, left her breasts resting on her belly, and did not look good on her.  But now all she wears is nice, colorful push-up bras that really look good on her.  Of course the only time I see them is when I do laundry. But it is nice to see her caring about her appearance.  Good for her self esteem to have a nicer figure when she goes out.      I finally got my garage cleaned out today, I had been putting it off for a while.  Tomorrow I will relax, do my laundry, and watch football.       Work has still been quite busy.  The company has asked one of my co-workers if he will consider being trained as a welder.  I have been the only welder in my area since 1989, but lately I have been very busy with other work, so they want another person qualified.      And now, to end this on a sad note, it has now been over 5 months since I last had sex.

Monday morning already, getting ready to start another work week.    My weekend was not too great.  I was on call, so I worked quite a bit on saturday.  Did not get any calls on sunday, which is a bummer, I was hoping for some double-time pay this week.  But, I stayed busy, cooking for the kids, cleaning the refrigerator, washing dishes, doing my laundry, and watching football.  The Lions lost, of course, but the Viking beat the Packers.         I am still lonely, still flat broke, and still wanting something more out of life.  I can't help but feel I have been cheated out of the one thing I wanted most.  My parents divorced when I was very young.  My older brother divorced after a short marriage.  My younger brother never married, probably never will.  I was the one that had a seemingly happy married life.  I sacrificed a lot for it, took a lot of crap that I did not deserve, but I always told myself it was worth it in the long run.  I wanted a stable home for my kids, a safety net of comfort, the feeling that mom and dad will always be there for them, no matter what.  I wanted to grow old with my wife, and have all these memories to look back on.  Now, though not by my choice, it is over.  We will divorce soon, and I will have to try starting over, even though my end goal will be much different.  I will still be there for my kids, but I will not have my lifelong partner.  I will have to learn how to be comfortable with a stranger.  That is a very uneasy feeling for me.  My last "first date" was more than 24 years ago.   I know my next "first date" is still a long way off, but I am nervous about it already.    I joined a networking/dating site, just hoping to find someone to talk to.  I made sure to emphasize that I am still married, and I am only looking for friends for now, no dating.  But the only messages I have gotten are from women wanting me to meet them for drinks, or meet them for sex.  The last one I got, just 2 days ago, just said : Damn you are fine".  Where are the women that want to get to know a man, find out who he really is?  Women see my pics, and because I have long hair and lots of tattoos, they seem to assume I am a party guy, just looking for a good time, drinking and riding Harleys.  Truth is, I am a boring guy, a guy who takes his job seriously, who takes peoples' feelings seriously.  I do not drink and drive, so I'd rather not meet at a bar.  I do not have a motorcycle anymore, and I have never owned a Harley.  I do not have a lot of free time, or a lot of extra money, so before I waste my time or my money, I would like to think she would be worth it.  I guess joining that site was a mistake.  I know I sound way too serious.  I do like to have a good time, I do like to drink now and then.  But I only drink at home, or on vacation, or when I am in a big town with good cab service.  I will not have a drink when I must drive.  And I do like sex, of course, I probably like it a little too much.  But the next time I have sex, I would like it to be with someone who knows me, and likes who I am.     I know I have been rambling, just got a lot on my mind.  And now it is time to get in the shower and go to work.

Fell asleep in my recliner again, now I am sore all over, dammit.    Got my attic cleaned, and the floor repaired.  Still haven't started on the garage, but I have one more day off.    I made the kids a nice dinner, washed the dishes, and did several loads of the kids' laundry.    My soon-to-be-ex-wife stays in her room most of the time.  When she does spend any time with me, it is great, but I must move on.  She has no use for me, except on payday, or when she really needs someone to talk to.     What did I do to doom my marriage?  What mistakes did I make?  I did not lie. I did not cheat. I was not abusive. I did not nag. I was not lazy. I was generous with money. I never forgot her birthday. I did not intrude on her freedom. I did not put limits on anything. I always did more than my share of housework.   I just can't figure out what more I could have done.  She is still just waiting, expecting to get a big cash settlement from some ancient travesty.  As soon as she gets a bunch of money, she will be gone.   I can not think of a single thing I did to deserve this.  I always put her happiness ahead of my own.  That was not a mistake.  That is the natural thing to do when you love someone.   But she took it a step further, and decided that her happiness is the ONLY thing that matters.    Believe me, I do get the message.  I do not matter to her.  And I am steadily finding myself able to let go, a little more each day.  But it does take time.  You can not love someone for twenty-three years, and then stop instantly.   Maybe some people can, but I can't.

It is sunday, I'm in the middle of a long weekend off from work.  I took friday off, and also monday and tuesday.  I have a lot of work to do around the house.  Today, I will start on some work in the attic, insulating and repairing the floor.  And the kids are all home today, I will see if I can get them to clean their rooms and their bathroom.  The next couple of days, I want to clean the garage, and get all of the patio furniture put away, winter will soon be here.  I didn't do much of anything yesterday, except some cooking and cleaning the kitchen.  Had a hard week, needed some rest.  But, I feel much better today, think I'm ready to tackle the attic.  It will not be easy, but it's got to be done.  Think I'll skip watching football today, the Lions have a bye week anyway.  Maybe I'll try to catch a little of the Vikings game.  

     Fell asleep on the couch last night, woke at 5 this morning with a sore back.  I hate when I do that.    The nights on weekends have been terribly lonely these last few months.  The days have been much better, thanks to my wonderful kids.   Yesterday, all my kids went to the movies with me.  First time I've been to a movie theater in years.  We had a great time, then we all went grocery shopping together.  Been having some good, thoughtful discussions with my daughters, about the economy, politics, life in general.  My son sometimes reads the news with me, plays computer games with me, helps me with home repairs.  They are all a joy to have around, and I am thankful to have them.  But the nights, after they are in bed...  then I realize that I am lonely.  I am on call for work starting tomorrow.  Hoping to be busy enough to be too tired to care.   You know you have problems when you are sitting here on your day off, wanting the work week to start.  But, anyway, today will be a good day.  Maybe my kids will watch football with me.  I'll make them something good to eat.  And maybe next weekend I won't feel so alone after the sun goes down.   

I feel very sore this morning, it's been a rough week.  Work has really picked up, our busy season has begun.  I worked late wednesday night, got called in 3 hours early thursday morning.  I have been sending work back at the end of my shift every night.  Next week I will be on call, so all the leftover work will be mine, should get a lot of overtime.     I sent in a vacation request for a 5 day weekend, I hope it will be approved.  I still have a lot of work to do on the house, I have been too tired to do anything in the evenings lately.     When I got home last night, after working a long day, I saw a truck in my driveway.  I assumed it probably belonged to my wife(?)'s ex-boyfriend, who she has been talking with a lot.  I figured it was no big deal, her business, not mine.  But when I got in the house, she wanted me to meet him.  I was in no mood to meet anyone, but I went down to say hi, they were hanging out at my bar, that I built with my own two hands.  He seems like a nice guy, but I did not want to listen to them talk about the good old days, before she made the mistake of marrying me, so I went upstairs, made some frozen pizzas, and watched tv with the kids.  I ate too much, but I was very hungry, haven't been eating much this week.     Today is payday, and a fairly good one.  I'm putting some money aside, so my daughters will have spending cash when they hit Chicago next month.   Maybe with my next big check, I will be able to buy some new work boots.  I hope so, I really need new boots.

Saturday night, and I am alone in my basement again.  That is becoming the norm for me, I guess.  My daughters are both out somewhere, my son is asleep, my soon-to-be-ex-wife is in her room.  She was supposed to go out tonight with an old high school boyfriend, but she changed her mind, I guess.  Wonder what happened to Mr. Wonderful?  Maybe he is the reason she cancelled tonight.  Anyway, I have been working on the house wiring again, trying to get as much of it as I can replaced.  I'll run to the store in the morning for some more wire and boxes.  Turned the boiler on tonight, and did a safety check on the old thing.  Been getting pretty cold at night.  Feels good to have the heat on, but that means my gas bill will be climbing.  Had a pretty good paycheck this week, been getting quite a bit of overtime.  Paid for concert tickets and a hotel room for my two daughters upcoming trip to Chicago.  Took all my kids out to breakfast this morning, then bought some groceries, and got my son some school clothes.  I'll spend the day tomorrow doing more wiring, and doing my laundry, maybe get my lawn mowed one last time before the weather turns too cold.    Hope to have time soon to start putting plastic on the windows, and get the attic cleaned.

     I am beginning to feel better.  Been sick for the last 4 days, took the last 3 off from work.  But now I can breathe, I can swallow, and the coughing has abated.  I will return to work tomorrow.  I slept for a good 5 hours last night, uninterrupted.  Woke up feeling much better.      I have been thinking a lot about my marriage lately, and I have come to agree with my wife(?)'s point of view.  We will both be happier when it is over.  What I wanted is no longer possible, so why put any effort into a futile attempt at salvaging our relationship.  We should be able to pay for a divorce with our next tax return.  The kids are all grown, so a divorce should not upset them much.  They never seemed to be upset about our changing relationship anyway, the separate bedrooms, the bragging about her boyfriend, the totally separate social lives.  I'm sure they will be fine.  Of course, I always wanted to be a good example for them, and to me that includes showing them how to be faithful, and loyal, and how to always work out your problems....   but this time I have no other option than to show them how to give up.    We made it last more than two decades, I hope that counts for something.    I have begun to have thoughts about my future.  Still don't know what that will include.  I might meet someone, and fall in love again,  I could get back into casual sex,  or I could end up a celibate single man.    I'll just let life happen, and take what comes to me.  I'm pretty sure, whatever happens, it will be an improvement.

According to my calendar, today was the last day of summer.   It was the worst summer of my life.   I live for summer, wait all year for it to begin.  I love the sunshine and the heat, working outdoors, cooking outdoors, swimming, taking care of my lawn,playing basketball in the sun, just hanging out outdoors.    This year, summer just flew by.  And we didn't get much summer weather here.  And my swimming pool was down for the entire season.  And this was the first summer since my wife(?) told me she does not love me.   I should have known months before she actually told me.  I remember last November, she didn't go with me to do any christmas shopping for our kids.  We would always do that together, before.   On thanksgiving, as soon as her parents left, we ignored each other.  I cleaned the kitchen and washed the dishes alone.    When the time came to exchange our christmas gifts, I gave her a pile of gifts.  She acted mad at me, and went to the grocery store down the street, and came back with a $5 t-shirt as my gift.  We celebrated valentine's day with an argument.  A couple months later, she told me she wants a divorce.   Our wedding anniversary was in July, we did not mention it at all, just let it pass unnoticed.   I felt no joy this summer, I was feeling depressed through the whole thing.    I have not had sex, or been kissed, or even been hugged, since before summer officially started.   Now it is time to start looking ahead to cooler weather, get myself mentally ready for the long winter work hours, start saving money for the outrageously high heating bills.   But there is always another summer coming.   By next summer, we will be divorced.   Maybe I will meet someone before next summer, and my life will have meaning again.   Even if I do not meet anyone, I will find a way to force meaning back into my life.  I am sick of just stumbling from one day to the next, with nothing to dream about.       So, here's to next summer.  It's got to be better than this one was.

     It is sunday night, back to work tomorrow, and I am on call for the next 4 days.  I got quite a bit done this weekend.  I weeded and mowed, then took some pics of my yard and posted a new photo album.   I cleaned and re-arranged my basement, painted some woodwork, and stained some cabinets and furniture.  I watched a couple movies with my kids, they enjoy that once in a while.  My oldest daughter runs a lot, so I bought her some new running shoes.  She was getting blisters from her old shoes.  Got to take care of the feet.   I had a couple beers last night, but drinking alone is just no fun, so I only had 2, then went to bed.  The kittens are still acting a little sore, glad they are back home.  They spent 2 nights at the vet's, and it was too quiet around here without them.    Hope everyone had a good weekend. 

     Starting a 3-day weekend this morning, and it feels great!  Work has been very busy, and I really need a break.  I also scheduled next friday off.    Looks like I may be going back on the street crew soon, one of my co-workers has been injured, and he may need surgery.  I don't mind going back on the crew temporarily.  I just don't want to be there permanently, I already served my time there.    It's almost time to wake my son for school, then I'll take my daughters to run errands and buy groceries.  Then back home to mow the lawn and do some work on the house.  I will try to have a good, stress-free, relaxing weekend.  I hope everyone else can do the same.