I have been cheated | lostinmyownhome's Blog

Monday morning already, getting ready to start another work week.    My weekend was not too great.  I was on call, so I worked quite a bit on saturday.  Did not get any calls on sunday, which is a bummer, I was hoping for some double-time pay this week.  But, I stayed busy, cooking for the kids, cleaning the refrigerator, washing dishes, doing my laundry, and watching football.  The Lions lost, of course, but the Viking beat the Packers.         I am still lonely, still flat broke, and still wanting something more out of life.  I can't help but feel I have been cheated out of the one thing I wanted most.  My parents divorced when I was very young.  My older brother divorced after a short marriage.  My younger brother never married, probably never will.  I was the one that had a seemingly happy married life.  I sacrificed a lot for it, took a lot of crap that I did not deserve, but I always told myself it was worth it in the long run.  I wanted a stable home for my kids, a safety net of comfort, the feeling that mom and dad will always be there for them, no matter what.  I wanted to grow old with my wife, and have all these memories to look back on.  Now, though not by my choice, it is over.  We will divorce soon, and I will have to try starting over, even though my end goal will be much different.  I will still be there for my kids, but I will not have my lifelong partner.  I will have to learn how to be comfortable with a stranger.  That is a very uneasy feeling for me.  My last "first date" was more than 24 years ago.   I know my next "first date" is still a long way off, but I am nervous about it already.    I joined a networking/dating site, just hoping to find someone to talk to.  I made sure to emphasize that I am still married, and I am only looking for friends for now, no dating.  But the only messages I have gotten are from women wanting me to meet them for drinks, or meet them for sex.  The last one I got, just 2 days ago, just said : Damn you are fine".  Where are the women that want to get to know a man, find out who he really is?  Women see my pics, and because I have long hair and lots of tattoos, they seem to assume I am a party guy, just looking for a good time, drinking and riding Harleys.  Truth is, I am a boring guy, a guy who takes his job seriously, who takes peoples' feelings seriously.  I do not drink and drive, so I'd rather not meet at a bar.  I do not have a motorcycle anymore, and I have never owned a Harley.  I do not have a lot of free time, or a lot of extra money, so before I waste my time or my money, I would like to think she would be worth it.  I guess joining that site was a mistake.  I know I sound way too serious.  I do like to have a good time, I do like to drink now and then.  But I only drink at home, or on vacation, or when I am in a big town with good cab service.  I will not have a drink when I must drive.  And I do like sex, of course, I probably like it a little too much.  But the next time I have sex, I would like it to be with someone who knows me, and likes who I am.     I know I have been rambling, just got a lot on my mind.  And now it is time to get in the shower and go to work.