lostinmyownhome's Blog

It's finally saturday, and I have the weekend off.  Work has really slowed down, and I am glad. I have worked less than 50 hours for three weeks in a row.  Feels good, but I am missing the extra money.  On the upside, I have begun to find time for exercising. I usually turn on the tv in there, and spend at least a half hour getting my cardio in, then a few sit-ups, push-ups, pull-ups. Thinking about buying some kettle bells, or maybe trying yoga.   On the downside, without all the extra overtime, I won't be remodeling the bathrooms until I get my tax return.     Going to the laundromat this morning. I hate going there, but I will not wash my bedding at home anymore, too big for my washing machine.

Got stuck working late again tonight.  I'll try my hardest to get out on time tomorrow.    Winter is back.  Got spoiled the last couple weeks with the spring-like weather, now we have a snowstorm coming in, and it sucks.     I have had my home gym set up for a few days now, but I haven't used it yet. I should be in there right now, but I am tired. I'll try to work on my motivation.  I'll be fifty years old in less than a month, I should try to get fit before then.      I have been celibate for more than two years. I am not happy about it, but it hasn't been all bad.  Without the distractions and demands of a relationship, I have been able to appreciate things that used to go unnoticed.  I have been able to spend a lot more time with my kids.  And I have come to really like having my own bedroom. Used to be a room I slept in, full of someone else's stuff. Now I have a room for just me, and only my stuff. And it is always clean.  Of course that can't compare to a warm soft body in bed with me, but hey, I'm trying to think positively.    I am trying to learn from experience. When I do find myself in another relationship, I will not stop spending time with my kids. I will not take things for granted. I will maintain a good balance.  And I will be happy.

Well, I'm trying to work fewer hours, but it's not easy. Got called in early this morning, because the crew needed me for a weld job. While I was en route, dispatch sent me off on an emergency call, the fire dept was waiting. Got that cleared, then picked up the weld truck, went to the job (had to struggle to get my welding gloves over my bandaged finger), then returned the weld truck and off-loaded. By then I was running behind on my appointments for the day, so I worked through lunch and stayed late tonight to get caught up.  The head of the cathodic program called me today, got a couple things in that area that must be done very soon, so I'll have to go in early and do them on overtime.   Wasn't a bad day, but I know the next week and a half will just fly by, then it will be my turn to be on call again,and the company will own me 24 hours a day.  What the hell, it's a living.

The new year is off to a pretty good start for me so far.  Been steadily working on the house, jumping from one project to another, not really finishing much yet, but everything takes time. My ex is now living upstairs. I still need to remodel the bathroom up there, but I don't plan on starting that for a couple months. This is going to work out great. It is like I rented out the upstairs and now have a neighbor up there, nothing more.    My oldest daughter and my son helped me redo our exercise room, got it painted, put a new floor down, tore out the bookcase that was filling the door connecting it to my bedroom.  Now we need to bring in some exercise equipment from the garage, change the ceiling fan, and redo the closet.    I am going to try to work only 40 hours this week. If I can do it, it will be the first time I have done that for many months.  The smaller paycheck will hurt, but I need to have time to relax, get back to feeling like myself.  I did take two days off last week. Cut a big hunk of my little finger off. Sliced it on the sharp edge of a tin ceiling tile.  I wrapped it really tight, thought the bleeding would stop, but the next morning it was still bleeding, so I went to the doctor. There was nothing to stitch, there was no skin left, so I just have to keep it clean, the doctor said it will take 3 or 4 months to heal. But it is just my pinky finger, so it's not really a problem.     Time to hit the shower, have to start work in an hour. Not starting early this week, at least I hope I won't be.  It will be nice if I can get into a routine in the mornings, have time to work out before heading to the job.

2012 has arrived, time to make my resolutions.   #1: I will try to work fewer hours. Much of that I have no control over, but I will do what I can.   #2: I will find the time to start exercising at least 4 days per week. At least long enough to elevate my heart rate for 30 minutes.   #3: I will continue nudging my kids toward independence, get them to take responsibility for their own futures.  #4: Begin some kind of relationship with a woman. A close friendship with someone I can take to dinner and talk with, a romantic relationship, just something. I am tired of being alone.                I hope everyone has a great 2012.

I hope everyone had a very merry christmas. Ours was pretty good. Took all my kids to my mother's for dinner and catching up. We had a great time.       Today was supposed to be a paid day off, but I am on call. Just got home from my third call-out of the day so far.      Going to try to finally finish the basement remodel today, only a few hours of work left down there. My oldest daughter is already living down there, but there are a few things to do still.   Next weekend I hope to get up to the second floor to start fixing up the two empty rooms, and then my ex will be moving in up there. She will be able to use the front entrance so as not to disturb us when she comes and goes. I also still have to remodel the upstairs bathroom, but that will wait til everything else up there is done.         I should be able to start setting up my exercise room within a couple of weeks.  Really looking forward to that.  I have a weird hangup about my flab.  On a woman, a little fluffiness can be cute, can look soft and inviting. But on me, a little flab just looks disgusting. Makes me look lazy and weak.  I know it's just a part of getting old that I should get used to, but I'm not quite ready for that yet, so I will try to fight it. Hoping to be ready for that fight soon.

It's almost 2am, just got home from a call out.  Been another rough week, working a lot of hours. Tuesday was the worst. Worked 17 hours straight, no breaks. The last few hours had to work through a pretty severe winter storm.Got home at 1am, and had to deal with a fallen tree across the driveway, and another in the back yard. Got out my chainsaw and cut them into pieces small enough to drag out of the way, left them in piles for now. Will have to get rid of the piles later. Finished with the tree work a little after 2, then couldn't fall asleep.  Anyway, it looks like the company is done with scheduling 7-day weeks for the year, I have this weekend off. Will try to finish wiring the basement.  I had better try to sleep now, my alarm will go off in 3 1/2 hours.

Finally did it, I now have a nice main floor laundry room.  I had drilled the dryer vent thru the wall several weeks ago, yesterday I ran the gas pipe, water pipes, drain pipe, and wiring thru the crawlspace, and insulated the walls of the crawlspace. Today my son helped me tie in all the pipes, install a new breaker, and carry the washer and dryer up from the basement.  We have already done 3 loads of laundry, this is going to be much more convenient for all of us.  It also means I am one step closer to getting my exercise room.   I don't need to lose any weight, but I definitely need to firm up a little, and regularly get some cardio in.  I took some "before" pictures the other day, I will save them for comparison after I have my exercise room set up.  There is still quite a bit of work to do, and I start on call tomorrow, so I won't get much done this week. But I am one step closer! 

In the middle of a 4-day weekend, and all is well. Had a good day yesterday, other than the Lions losing, the food was very good.  The kids and I left at 9:30 last night to begin our christmas shopping. Had to wait in the BestBuy parking lot for over 2 hours, but then the doors opened at midnight and,after waiting for the long line of people to gradually get inside, the shopping spree began. Got everything we wanted there, then drove down the road to Macy's, got most of what we wanted there.  Then we took a break to eat, had to drive around a bit to find a restaurant without a line backed out the door, but finally settled on Steak'n'Shake. Then we went to Target, then back to Macy's for some items we forgot about the first time. We were all very tired by then, so we came home, got here about 5am. Slept for a couple of hours, then my son, one of my daughters, and I went back out shopping again.  I think we are very nearly done with christmas shopping already, the few remaining things will be purchased on line.  It was kind of exhausting, but it was fun anyway.  Glad I was able to work enough to pay cash for everything again this year, don't plan on ever having credit cards again.  I'll get some sleep tonight, and start early tomorrow working on the house. 

Happy Thanksgiving!  Feels good to not be at work. Don't work again til monday, when I start another on-call week.    Bought a good sized turkey this year, 29.3 lbs, put it in the oven about a half hour ago.  We will have plenty of good food today, we will watch the Lions game (and they have a winning record this year), and we will relax with pumpkin pie and a movie after the game. Going to be a great day.       Tonight we will be starting our christmas shopping.  First stop is BestBuy, then on to Macy's, after that wherever the kids want to go.  Last year I went shopping alone, but the kids are going with me this year.  They want to stand in line for the midnight opening.  Hope we get some good deals. I was able to save some of my overtime pay from the last couple weeks, so we will be loading the car up.         I hope everyone has a great holiday.

Been working 7 days a week for a while now. Worked 84 hours last week, was feeling pretty worn out, so I took monday and tuesday off, with the intention of getting some work done at home today, and resting tomorrow.  Not going as planned, so far.  Got up this morning, took my son to school, ran some errands, took my daughter to work, bought groceries, took my other daughter to lunch, then more errands, went to look at furniture, bought more building materials, then picked my son up from school, home to unload, watched a little tv, then had to pick up my daughter from work, then washed the dishes and cleaned the house a little.  No time to do any real work at home, and I have had no time at all for weeks. Still have windows in the garage, may not get them installed this year. Still have not moved the laundry room up from the basement, but I will try to at least start that tomorrow. I want to at least run the piping and wiring through the crawlspace, been trying to get that done for months.  But I am on call the next two weekends, that will make 3 out of 4 this month. And I am still going in early 3 or 4 hours every day, working late too, half the time.   I think I need to clone myself, like in a movie I saw years ago. Send the clone to work so I will have time to spend at home.  Time is one thing I do not have enough of.

Haven't written in a while, but the truth is I am sick of just writing about work, and there is nothing happening in my life except work.  Hoping that will change someday.

I'm back.  Been a rough couple of weeks.  Worked overtime every day last week, worked saturday and sunday, spent 5 days this week in Saginaw for training. Boss called me yesterday, wants me to work saturday and sunday again this weekend, working on the street crew.  Didn't sleep good this week, hotel beds are never comfortable.  Got home tonight about 7pm, took right off with my kids. Took them out to dinner and a little shopping. I sure did miss them while I was away.  Anyway, I got online to pay some bills, now I had better get ready for bed. I am very tired, it is 11:22 pm, and I have to be on the road by 5:45, starting early the next couple of days, then my on-call week starts on monday.  But it sure feels good to be home.

I know I complain a lot in my blog about being tired, but damn it, I am tired.  Worked long days all week, and I am on call this weekend.  Got stuck working 15 hours on friday, finally got in bed at 1:15, and they woke me for an emergency call at 4am.  It was a gas leak call at a summer cottage right on a lake about a half hour from here.  The regulator below the gas meter was spewing out gas from the vent.  It was the original meter installation from 1965, so I tore the whole thing apart and installed a brand new meter with a built-in regulator. Had to work in the headlights, and I finished just as the sun was coming up over the lake.  That was really a beautiful sight.  By then I had a full days work waiting, didn't make it home til 7:15pm.    Ordered pizzas, watched a movie with my kids, then went to bed.  They didn't wake me up last night, so I got a full night's sleep.  Just waiting to see what today will bring.          Took a vacation day tomorrow, will spend it running errands, paying bills, getting groceries, and hopefully I'll get a little work done in the basement.     Will be working long hours this coming week, got a big backlog of suspended orders, then the following week I will be in Saginaw.   

Saturday night, and it's been another crazy week.  Started work early every day, worked late most nights, and worked all day today.  Finally got that rectifier rebuilt, and got my welding card renewed.  The company is sending me to Saginaw for the last week of this month for some training (training that I should have had 3 years ago).  Never been to Saginaw before, but corporate travel should be sending me a packet with directions and hotel reservation soon.      Been working too much, haven't done a single thing with the basement remodeling.  I do have the day off tomorrow, so I will get some work done, but the Lions season opener is on, so I will have to take time out for that.             Been accumulating a bit of exercise equipment over the past months.  Got an exercise bike, an elliptical trainer, a vertical lift station, an inversion therapy station, a cable weight system, an inclined freeweight bench, and the old treadmill. Most of it is in the garage, and I rarely have time to even touch any of it.  I hope to find room in the house for most of it sometime this year, and find the time to start using it regularly.  The inversion station is awesome. Even though it is in the garage for storage, I go out there and hang upside down from it now and then. Does wonders for the lower back pain. But I really need a massage. For 2 or 3 months now, every time I pick up my tool bag, or anything heavy, it feels like a bee is stinging me between my shoulders, right in the middle. The stinging stays until I put down whatever I am carrying.  Getting old sucks.         Been thinking lately about dating. Just wondering to myself if I am ready.  I think I am.  If I had the time, a little money, and wasn't so tired all the time, I think I am ready to meet someone for dinner or something.  But what is there to do besides eating?  Don't care to go to a bar, can't talk because the music's too loud (and most of the music around here sucks, unless you are 20 yrs old). If I go to a movie I will probably fall asleep (may not be a good first impression).  We have a casino in town, I hear it's very nice, but I'm not really a gambler.  Maybe a daytime date would be better, like to the zoo or a museum.  But maybe women would find that boring?  I don't know,  I am still in the "thinking about it" phase.  But at least  I am able to think about it.     

Up early again this morning, still going to work 3 or 4 hours early every day.  I got some heavy duty parts to rebuild a rectifier, it was supposed to be a high priority for this week, but every single day when I log on, I see that they didn't allow me any time for it, even with the extra hours.  Thought I would try to rebuild it first thing today, get it done before the weekend, but yesterday I got a call, important meeting this morning,probably take at least half of the day.  OQ testing.  Operator Qualification.  Government mandated testing that is supposed to prove you are proficient at certain tasks you may be required to do on the job.  I think I have about 300 tasks that require OQ.    Tried to renew my welding card a few days ago, but due to mechanical problems and time constraints, had to reschedule for next week. My card will expire in less than 2 weeks, got to get it renewed ASAP.    They have not asked me to work saturday yet, hope they don't. I have a ton of work to do at home. Bought some new windows, they are still in the garage. Going to rain all weekend, so I probably won't get them installed, but there is a lot of indoor work I can do.  And I want to spend some down time with my kids, just watch movies or something.   Gotta go, time to hit the shower and head to work.

What a weekend!  Went by way too fast.   While I was at work on friday, my mother called me, said my younger brother was moving.  He has been renting a house for 7 years, but the owner is now letting it go into foreclosure, so my brother has rented an apartment.  I was scheduled to start work at 7am saturday, but told her I would help him move after work.  So I helped him for a few hours saturday, and told him to call me when he was up and around sunday morning, then came home to do my laundry and paint some more of the basement.  Ended up going to bed at 1am, and my brother called me at 4:45.  So I didn't get much sleep last night.  But, we  moved what he wanted to move today, and we were done by noon.  Came home, got my lawn mowed and got about half of my garage cleaned out.  Going to store some of my brother's things in my garage for a while, had to make room.  That garage is already pretty full, have a lot of furniture out there waiting for the basement to be done, and have several pieces of exercise equipment out there collecting dust, along with the mower, bicycles, building materials, tools, etc.  Everything but the cars, no room for them.  I know I said I was going to use my next day off to relax, but that didn't work out.  Usually doesn't, there is always something that must be done.  Maybe next weekend...    My kids are doing pretty good so far, helping out a lot.  Hope it becomes permanent.  My  younger daughter has had her hours cut drastically at work.  We had a major storm several weeks ago, and her Burger King was damaged pretty bad, been closed ever since the storm. She was transfered to a different BK here in town, but they gradually have been dropping her hours. Some weeks she only gets to work one day.  Last week she was scheduled for one day, but a few minutes after clocking in, she was told to clock out, they did not need her.  So her paycheck this week was for $2.32.  Hardly worth the paper it's printed on.  She is looking for a different job, but no luck so far.    I know unions are getting a bum rap this election cycle, but I am sure glad I am working under a decent contract, with guaranteed hours.  Not that that is a worry, still working a shitload of hours every week.  And my company is required by law to have people available for emergencies anyway.    Don't know if I will be working next saturday, I hope not. I need to help my brother move the last of his stuff after it is all boxed up, would like to get that done on saturday, then have sunday to rest before starting my on-call the following monday.

I am sick of this life.  Tired of waiting for it to get better.  No matter how much overtime I work, I am always broke.  Kids refuse to act their age, will not be responsible, will not think of anything beyond today. My daughters still ignore me.   My ex said she needed money so I have been paying her to keep the main floor clean. Just 3 rooms, kitchen, living room, bathroom.  They are never really clean, I did the dishes myself 3 times in the last few days.  I am always tired and feeling out of shape. No time or energy to get any exercise.   Still trying to get the basement remodeled, keep running into problems. Keep running out of money. There are only 2 reasons anyone ever wants to talk to me.  Either they need money, or something has broken and they want me to fix it.    I have not been intimate with a woman, or even seen as much as a breast in almost 2 years.    It's time for some changes.  I am not going in to work early today.  I will force myself to get on my damn exercise bike.  I am done being so free with money.  I will start saving for an emergency.  My family gets free housing, free food, free utilities, free internet. But they can't get out of bed before noon and clean something. That will also change.  No more paying them to mow the lawn or do the dishes.  They will do those things because they live here, and things need to be done.  And I am done being a taxi service.  Next time I get a day off, it will be my day off.  For me.  To relax.

Another day.  Started work at 8am, and worked til dark.  Shouldn't complain, last week they had me starting at 7am.      Been talking with the kids a lot lately about them pitching in around home, doing chores, cleaning the house and stuff.  I guess they either really hate chores, or they just don't care what I want.  And it really bugs me when they sleep all day.  But what more can I do, I am never here during the day.  They know how I feel, now I am just waiting to see if anything will change.  I swear, I could just disappear and no one would even notice.  Until the bills come due, and services start getting shut off for non-payment.  Then they would start wondering.  I am thinking about turning off the modem when I go to bed.  Maybe then the kids will sleep at night, and get up before noon.

It's been a hell of a week.  Having a major heat wave, very humid.  Wednesday was the hottest, stickiest day of the year so far, and I worked 14 hours, til it was getting dark out, and I didn't want to work on 240 volts in the dark, so I sent my last order back to be rescheduled for thursday.  I had already slated a couple vacation days for thursday and friday.  The temperature in our house was staying around 90 all night long, so I bought some more fans and had the girls sleep downstairs.  Decided to get them in some cooler air, so on thursday we spent the day shopping, browsing, and went to a movie. The air conditioning felt really good.  Thursday night I took them to see a stage play.  We saw "Chicago", and it was great. Great singing and acting.  Today we went out to breakfast with their mom (she has been staying with a friend who has central air), then the kids and I did more shopping. Spent several hundred dollars on stuff for the house. Paint, wire, insulation, etc.  Then we saw another movie, went to dinner, and later went out for ice cream.  The heat is starting to break a little, our house is in the lower 80's tonight.   Going to start wiring and painting tomorrow, early in the day before it gets too hot.  We bought plenty of cold drinks and cold food.  Just glad I was able to take a long weekend, the first half of the week was rough.