lostinmyownhome's Blog


    Today is the anniversary of Bob Marley's birth. I love his music. Always makes me feel good.
     A lot has happened since I was blogging regularly.   
     The woman I was dating? She never even loved me. She moved in with me for about 9 months, but only because she was being evicted.  She had her 19 year-old son move in, then 2 of his friends moved in, she decided not to look for work (because she tried to sue her former employer after she fell in the snow), she constantly lied to me, and all the while she was like a vacuum cleaner sucking money from my bank account. 
     So that is the only relationship I've had since my divorce.
     My ex-wife broke up with her fiance, moved back here to Michigan, brought our daughter back with her.  They didn't have anywhere to stay, so my ex-wife and both of my daughters are living on the second floor of my home.  It's a big house, they have their own entrance, their own kitchen, their own bathroom. And I have the main floor and the basement, all to myself.
     I hurt myself on a 4am callout last July.  It was a structure fire, I got a broken window through my arm, cut several wrist and finger tendons, completely severed the extensor tendon to my index finger. So I was off work for 2 months, on light duty for another 2 months. And I have a permanent problem with my wrist and finger now. But I am making do.  I was so happy when I got the surgeon to release me back to full duty.
     I signed up for a computer dating site a few months ago, the second time I have done that. But, just as before, I never even met anyone, never talked to anyone.  Just looked at all these pics of women I don't know, imagining what the heck is wrong with them. I closed the account. Left a couple pages of messages unopened.
     There's got to be someone out there for me. But it will be a woman I meet in real life, not a picture on my computer monitor.
     I'm taking a few days off from work, need a break. Lots of overtime lately.  My son's birthday is Tuesday.  He lives with his girlfriend, about a half-hour away.  I'll be taking them to lunch to celebrate. Looking forward to that.


It's been a while. A lot has changed, good and bad. I'll try to start checking in occasionally, maybe get my blog going again.


Happy Mothers' Day to any mothers reading this.  I will call my mother today, can't really visit her, I am on call for work, sure they will be calling soon.     Been working a lot the past few weeks, taking extra on-call, trying to scrape up as much cash as I can.     My ex-wife and her fiancé will be here in 8 days, going to stay up in my oldest daughter's room for 4 days. I am going to give her a couple thousand dollars for her car, and give it to my kids. Her birthday is later this month, I bought her a new camera, will let the kids give it to her. Her last camera has a damaged shutter, she hasn't been able to get it repaired. She is a semi-professional photographer, she really needs a good camera. She is bringing the damaged one with her, I will have it repaired and mail it out to her later.      I haven't had time to do any of the home repairs I had planned, barely have had time to mow the yard and clean the house.     I have been dating a very pretty woman for a couple of weeks.  I really like her a lot, but I just don't know if she feels the same about me. We have only been officially dating for a couple weeks, but I have known her for almost 30 years, and we have been meeting for meals and talking for several months as friends.  She has been through several bad relationships, an abusive marriage, recently lost her job, a lot of turmoil. So we are taking things very slow, we have not had sex yet, we are kind of like a jr. high school couple.  But I have these almost constant doubts. Does she really like me, or does she only like what I do for her?  I hate these negative thoughts, but they keep popping into my head.  In the last 2 weeks I have spent almost two thousand dollars on her. Bought her clothes (which was very fun), gave her grocery money, gas money, fun money. And I don't mind doing that. Makes me feel good to help someone in need, and I always like seeing her smile.  But I knew I would be having trust issues in a new relationship. My failed marriage taught me that I am no good at reading people, I believe everything a woman tells me.      Yesterday I worked all day, on the way home stopped to install a water heater and repair a leaking water pipe as a favor to an acquaintance, then came home to an empty house, went to buy groceries, returned to my empty house and had a very sad, lonely night.  Did not hear from my girl, probably because she didn't need money, as I just gave her some on Friday.


I am feeling very good today. I had a dinner date last night, and I really think I could have a future with this girl. She is one year younger than me, divorced, has one child left at home, and she is wonderful.  We are going to progress slowly, may meet next weekend for a movie.  I don't know where this will go, too early to tell. But it sure does feel good to be interested in someone, feels great to be hopeful. 


Got some good news from my ex. She is engaged to be married. They are still planning on coming to visit in about a month. Our oldest daughter may be returning with them, to stay for a week, then taking a train back home.    I have had my new boss since January 1st, and I STILL have not met with him. Not even once. I've had a few phone calls with him, I think 4 times, for only a few minutes each time. I would usually consider it good not to be bothered by a boss, but this guy seems to have a reputation for not being very involved. He probably has no idea at all what I do.  My last boss was very cool, he tracked my workload and hours, gave me good feedback regularly. Whatever, who knows, he may not be my boss much longer. They seem to like changing things up quite often.  I never really minded the odd shift I used to work, but I am really liking working the early hours. Though I do get tired earlier now.   Did some more work in my main floor bathroom last weekend, just cosmetic stuff, nothing structural. Still have not saved enough for the quartz top and basin sink I wanted, but I am now thinking of something different, and cheaper. I'll have to give it some more thought before deciding for sure.


Work has been rough again this week. They have me starting 2 hours early every day for the next few weeks, which means I get up at 4:30am. I am on call this week, and the late night/early morning calls have become a regular occurrence.  Slept for 3 1/2 hours Monday night, 3 hours Tuesday night, hoping to sleep for at least 4 hours tonight. I am taking extra on-call this weekend and again next week. Really need a little extra money, to buy my ex-wife's car for my kids. Glad to have a good job though, hate to complain about working too much. But I am tired, feeling pretty old right now. Better get off the computer and start getting ready for bed.


Day off today, but I will be on call tomorrow. Work has been strange the last few weeks, they have been sending me all over the place, into areas I have never worked before. I don't know why, I just go where they tell me. But 90 minutes travel for a 20 minute job is odd. Then 90 minutes travel back for my next job. But they are the ones paying me, so it's their decision.   My ex-wife and her boyfriend will be coming to visit in May. They are bringing the car I gave her, I will be buying it for my kids. I haven't met her boyfriend yet, but I'm sure he's a nice guy. She asked if they could stay here for 3 or 4 nights, so one of the kids will have to give up their room for a few days.  I am trying to decide if I should take some time off, so I can spend time with them, or just go to work and let them hang out with the kids (who are not excited about this at all).  I do want to be here to help them load up some antique furniture I have been storing for her.   I have got to start dating soon. Most of the time I am fine being celibate, but every once in a while it becomes a problem. Don't know what to do about it, I am sticking to my decision not to pick up drunk chicks at a bar.  I know I will meet someone someday, just wondering when. And who.


Taking a couple days off from work. Last week wore me out. Didn't get much sleep all week. Slept for 5 hours one night, but the rest of the week it was only two or three hours per night. Now I feel terrible. I've caught a cold, and feel like there is fluid in my lungs. My entire body is sore and I have a headache, which is rare, I never get headaches.   It was just an unusually bad work week, every night but one, they either called as I was getting ready for bed, or after I had been in bed for an hour or so. Sometimes I would get home and still have time to sleep for another hour or two, other times I just stayed up because the alarm would be going off too soon.  It was a week where most of my callouts came after midnight, usually doesn't happen that way. Hope I don't get another week like this for a long time. This week, I am only on call for Friday night through to Monday morning.


I slept for 3 hours last night. I got called out just as I was getting into bed. I do have the weekend off, and I am going to make sure I get some sleep. Just have to survive the work week first.   I got a call from the trucking company that will be delivering my treadmill!  It will be here Friday. They will leave it on my front sidewalk, I declined the offer of delivery to the room of my choice for $180.  It weighs 350 pounds, it will not be easy getting it up my front steps and in the house, but if I have to, I will disassemble it to make it more manageable.  Really looking forward to using this treadmill. I have an elliptical exerciser, but I can't stay on it long enough to get a good sweat going, my thighs tire out too quickly. With a treadmill, I can elevate my heartrate, and keep it there for a long time. This treadmill is an incline trainer, you can incline it to 40%.  It has a 10" touchscreen web browser, but I don't know if I'll use that. I usually just turn on the tv while working out. It will be fun using the thing, and it will be good for my health.


It's been a while since I posted a blog update, figured I should say something.    I have become very happy being single, I think I adjusted quite well.  Still spending lots of time with my kids, still making progress fixing up my old house.  I ordered a new treadmill last week, as soon as it arrives I will start getting serious about regular exercise. I had a CDL physical today, everything is good, but I would like to be a little more toned.   Work is going well. Still have not met my new boss, but I have had a couple phone conversations with him.   Working only 8 - 10 hours most days, and it feels great.  However, the on-call is still terrible. The last weekend I was on call, I got about 30 hours overtime just over the weekend, slept for less than 2 hours one night.  I guess I am not too old yet, I am still able to do what is required of me.


Work has changed a little, but not much. I am working less hours, in fact, today I started working the day shift. I think this will give me some time to get out in the evenings, find something to do.  I got a new boss starting January first, I finally spoke to him on the phone for the first time on January 25th. Still have not met with him in person. But, I guess if there were any problems, he would want to see me.  I renewed my welding card today, good for another 6 months.  Our senior man retired last week, so now I am the senior employee in our work group.  We are having a little trouble filling our on-call schedule, because we are now one person short. The company has not posted for the guy who retired, and we are concerned that if we cover all the on-call, they will be in no hurry to replace him. The three of us remaining already take more on-call than our contract requires, and nobody wants any more. We are all in  our 50s, and don't have the stamina that we used to have, need some sleep at night.  One thing that is weird, there are three of us left in our work group, the other two guys have a new supervisor, who is stationed in a big town 45 minutes east of our building, and my new boss is stationed in a big town 40 minutes west of us. I don't know why they did it that way, part of the reorganization, but it doesn't make a lot of sense to me. But I guess it doesn't have to make sense to me, I just have to do my job.


The last couple of weeks have been uneventful, for the most part.  My work schedule has been cut way back. That is a good thing of course, except I am bringing home a lot less in my paycheck. When I am on call, as I am this week, it doesn't matter much, still lots of overtime then. The company is going through a major reorganization, still not sure how it will affect me, hearing talk of possible scenarios, some good, some not so good. Whatever they decide on, I'm sure that I will be able to roll with it.      Work is the part of my life that is easy. Some days are easier than others, and I really hate being on call 24 hours a day. But I like my job, my bosses have always had confidence in me, my customers turn in good feedback.    Outside of work, things are not as rosy.  I have been fighting apathy, can't seem to make much progress. I just don't care about anything right now. Come home from work, get on line, watch tv, sleep, go to work again.     It's not a bad life, but something is missing.


Christmas eve.  Was supposed to be a day off, but I am on call this week. Worked 9 hours so far today, just waiting to see if they call me again.    My oldest daughter is at a friend's for the evening, I brought fried chicken home for my other kids. After we ate they disappeared, so I am sitting here alone, feeling alone.    Wonder when my first callout will come tomorrow? I hate being on call for Christmas, but someone must do it, and it is my turn this year.  At least they pay me well for it.


My dad died yesterday.  I left work as soon as I heard, I will return on Saturday.  My sister wasn't taking it well, she had always desperately wanted a relationship with him, and now it will never happen. He was a difficult guy to know, I don't think anyone on this earth truly knew him. But his suffering is over, thankful for that.  My mom was at the nursing home when I got there, as were several others. She is in her third marriage now. Her first (to my dad) was a failure, her second was a disaster, but she really hit the jackpot on the third. Her husband is one of the nicest men I have ever known.  I am so glad she has him.   My kids and I will be spending time with family the next few days, will be attending a remembrance for my dad on Friday, extended family will be coming. Haven't seen most of them for around 20 years.


Up early, working with the crew today and tomorrow because they need a welder. And I am on call this weekend for emergencies and furnace repairs, so the next couple days will be quite busy.  Still working overtime every day.   Need to find time to take care of a few things here at home.     My ex-wife called me a few days ago, upset because our kids hadn't called or texted her.  I asked them to call her, I didn't know they hadn't been talking with her.   My dad is in hospice, the doctors expect him to go any day.  My parents split up when I was very young, I was never really close with my dad. About twenty years ago, I let him live with us for a few months, he was out of work, and I thought we could develop a relationship. It didn't work out like I had hoped.  My older brother has been taking care of him for many years, finally had to put him in supervised care a few months ago, due to alzheimers.    My kids have really stepped up since their mother moved away, I am proud of them. The house is always clean, dishes always done. They have been hanging out together a lot, not hiding in their rooms. Got home from work the other night to the smell of fresh gingerbread cookies. They all seem happy.  I am glad.


I am so tired. Had another very long day yesterday, was out til past midnight, it's been a rough week. But my scheduled weekend has been cancelled, so I will get a couple days off. Thankful for that, now I'll have time to do my laundry and buy some groceries. Maybe get some work done at home, still got a lot to do. My oldest daughter has moved upstairs to her mother's apartment, got to finish cleaning out her old rooms, then going to remove a wall in the basement, and my son will have the entire basement for himself.  Going to be a busy day, have a meeting scheduled with my boss, and I have to get my work van to the garage. Had a flat tire on I-94 last night, and the mechanic on duty had to put a traction tire on the front, need to get to the garage for the correct tire. Didn't have time last night, too much work.  They are still overbooking me every day, so I will be running late all day. But I am not on call tonight, so I can quit whenever I choose to.


Had a great Thanksgiving. Got along fine with my former in-laws, had some good food, and even though the Lions lost, it was a good game to watch.     My ex-wife is now living in Colorado with her new boyfriend. I wish her happiness.  I know I am happier already.     Since we separated about 3 years ago, I have provided her with a home, transportation, food, utilities, gifts, and a weekly stipend, none of which was required of me. This month alone I have given her a car and more than $5,500 cash. My savings and checking accounts are both empty.  I figured I would get a "thank you" when she left, but I didn't even get a "good bye". She left while I was sleeping. She did tell our daughters goodbye, they were awake when she left at 3am, but she did not wake our son. He is feeling a little hurt by that. The following evening we found notes on the refrigerator, one for my son, one for me. Mine just said Thanks for everything, see ya.  Just as sentimental as she ever was.  Anyway, this chapter of my life is now closed, ready to start a new one.  Still working overtime every day, may be working every Saturday and Sunday up to Christmas. I may have to take a weekend off, depends on how worn out I get.


I have decided to put off replacing my bathroom sink for a while. I gave my ex another $1,000 for her move, and that was most of my sink money. But she may not be able to get a job right away, and she will need money. She leaves in 6 days.    Bought a turkey and all the stuff for thanksgiving dinner. Had trouble finding a really big turkey, had to settle for 22.5 pounds. I'm really looking forward to cooking a big meal for my family, haven't had time to do that lately.  It will be fun, my daughters will help, the house will smell so good.  And I always like seeing my kids enjoy a good meal that I make for them.   Time to hit the shower, I start work in 1 hour.


85 hours last week. But I finally had a day off on Monday. Spent the whole day out, running errands and shopping. Bought winter clothes for my kids and ex-wife, took everyone to lunch, bought groceries.     Thanksgiving will be the last holiday my ex will be with us, she asked me if her parents could come.  I am still very angry about the way they tried to get their daughter to screw me over in the divorce. If she had done what they advised, their grandkids would not have a home right now.  And I hear they loved each of her boyfriends that they met, went to see their bands play, raved about what nice guys they all were. And I am just the stick in the mud who works all the time and pays everyone's bills.   But it is important for my kids to spend time with them, so I will be nice.      I am eagerly anticipating being able to finally feel divorced.  It has not been easy sharing the house with my ex, but I was glad to do it. Even though she had her separate living quarters, and had boyfriends stay with her, our friends seem think I am still attached to her.   I'm sure it's just because I haven't developed a social life yet.    My ex will be moving in a little over a week, then I will start my new life.  I will try to stop working so much, go out occasionally, and get some things done at home.        I am trying to decide what to do about the vanity top in my main bathroom. I have picked out a natural quartz top, with a cool basin sink and high-rise faucet, but I think I may feel guilty for spending so much on it, when there are things my kids want. I could go cheaper, but I would really like a really nice sink in there.  I must decide soon, I want to place my order in a few days so I can install it Thanksgiving weekend.  


Still working more hours than I would like, but it comes with the job. No day off this week, and I am on call for the next 3 nights, but Monday will be a paid holiday. I have a lot to do that day.     I am glad President Obama won a second term. He is such a good man.     My ex-wife is planning on leaving Thanksgiving weekend. Already started packing, going to drive across the country alone.  Hope she has no problems.    Once she is gone, I will have more disposable income. Think it's time to start saving up to take the kids on a vacation. Better get us all passports.  I pushed a week of vacation time back to next year, work is too busy right now to take time off. So next year I will have 32 days vacation.       Still hoping to meet someone special, but it has not happened yet. Are there any women out there who will be willing to put up with my work schedule?  Who, instead of being mad at me for working so much, would look forward to spending time with me when I finally get a day off?  Who would appreciate what I do for them, and who would actually thank me? I am sure there are many good women out there, but they are all probably happily married.

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